Rough week

I wasn't sure if I was going to blog about this or not. I try to keep my blogs happy and upbeat and non controversial. I'm always editing and deleting what I write because I started this blog as a way to keep in touch with family and friends. A way for us to feel a little closer to everyone who's so far away with lots of pictures, videos and crazy stories about the boys. There have been many times where I just wanted to use this blog as an old school diary and vent and go off about stupid things that aggravate me or make me boil. California drivers, rude people at the grocery store, some people's total lack of self awareness of how they sound to others, pretentiousness, just those things that get me going. I type it out then think....no one cares or wants to hear about that.....*delete*.
Anyway, I decided to share what Tom and I went through this week because, 1... A friend of mine just went through the same thing. I want her to know that she's not alone. And 2...I want to feel better and thought talking about it could be good therapy instead of trying to just forget it happened all together. That didn't seem fair.
I had a miscarriage this past week. Tom and I found out we were pregnant about a month ago. It was quite the surprise and after a day of it sinking in, and the "oh boy, how's this going to work with Ty and this baby being 1 year apart?" Tom and I were so excited! Having our kids so close together would be crazy, but we seem to do craziness well, so it seemed to be perfect. Somehow I found out really early. I have no idea what made me take an at home test, it was just a feeling, and sure enough there were 2 lines...and it wasn't an ovulation test...I checked. :-) I found out on a Tuesday and had a regular yearly appointment scheduled for that Friday just by sheer coincidence. After getting a quick referral from my family doc, I had my first ultrasound that Friday. I was so early that the only thing my OB saw was thick walls. The bun hadn't made its way into my oven just yet. He guessed I was probably only 2 or 3 weeks after conception. So I was scheduled for weekly visits to see the process and some blood work. The next Friday we saw the start of a yolk sack and the doc said I was probably about 4 or 5 weeks along. That following Tuesday I had started spotting. Called the doc and he had me come right in. Tom stayed home with the boys and I was trying to stay positive. I just didn't have a good feeling. When I had the ultrasound I got to see the baby's heartbeat. It was so tiny, the baby was only about 2mm, but I saw it. Doc said it was implantation bleeding and everything seemed fine. I just never had this with Jack or Ty, I just couldn't shake the feeling it was more than that. I was sent away with orders to take it easy. I had another appointment for Friday (this past Friday). Thursday night the spotting turned into more than spotting. I went in on Friday and there was no longer a heartbeat. The doc said the baby just stopped developing. I am a very scientific minded person. I know that there are religious beliefs out there about why these things happen. I respect everyone's belief system, I really do. I however believe that this wasn't God's choice or that he has some plan for me that doesn't include a third baby right now. I don't think someone's sitting up above us with some type of clipboard with a tally sheet saying...."Oh, not this time, not for you, not now" Please don't be offended by what I'm saying. This is just me. I believe that there was just something chemically off. Something just wasn't right when things got going. I have to believe that there was no control and no amount of anything thought or said or prayed for that could have changed this. That is what I believe.
Unfortunately, This wasn't my first miscarriage. Before we had Jack we also lost a pregnancy. I was about 8 weeks along that time. I was around 6 weeks this time. To be honest, if I didn't take that at home test, I'm not sure if I would have known I was pregnant at all. Did you know that 1 in every 6 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage? Isn't that insane? That is a HUGE amount. I wish there some crazy research and they could figure out why and how to prevent it, but that's just how it is, right? It sucks!
Tom has been amazing through all of this. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs for the last 2-3 weeks. Not to sound sappy and cliche', I don't think I could have a better man as my husband. He is my everything and keeps me going and reminds me that what we have is beyond amazing. He makes me smile everyday, even through all of this. I wish he could have been there with me to see the heartbeat. I feel like I robbed him of the happy moment and he's only been burdened with the tragedy and keeping me from falling apart. Not fair to him. Jack and Ty are the best distractions. Their smiles melt away all the sad thoughts, and Jack is our little comic, he just cracks me up with what he says everyday.
Overall I'm doing OK. I opted to not have a DNC and let my body take care of things on its own. I just wish my body would fast forward to the point where everything's said and done. The constant reminder isn't helping but I'm getting there. I had an appointment yesterday for another ultrasound, just to check. When my doctor, who I really do like, walked in, he thought I was there for a happy ultrasound appt. I decided to throw him a bone and REMIND him why I was there before he made me break down after having 4 days to get myself picked up. That could have gone better but he's a busy guy.....Take a second and glance at a chart before you start talking, but whatever. I'm glad the appointments are done and I can start focusing and worrying about other things. Like, what am I going to buy everyone for Christmas, or how are we going to keep the kids busy on a 6 hours plane ride home, or how excited we are to be counting down the days until we fly back to PA for the first time in 18 months. Life keeps happening all around so I can't sit still and let it pass me by.
Sorry for the heavy blog. Hopefully these pictures could end it on a happy note....


One dirty garbage truck!




Ty's new Breathable Bumpers...the kids loves sleeping with his face in the corner.


Hanging out at the airport, plane watching.